My apologies

I'm sorry for many errors you may find. This is another thi g Lyme has done to me.  My memory, spelling, words, so so many mistakes that make me too tired to correct.  I'm sorry about but that's my life at the moments. Before getting very Sick I was about to enroll in classes to get my masters in educational psychology.  Needless to ssy that would be pointless right now.

It has taken what is dearest to me

This disease did not just stop my life in its tracks it's also taken from me. It knew what would hurt me worst, somehow it knew.

My miscarriage was first. My baby so tiny.  Its little body being overtaken by the unwelcome and evil foreign bacteria inside my body.  It took my baby.  So far I have not found a way to blame myself for that loss, maybe I will later.

It's taken my choice.  My choice to have another child or not.  It took that decision from me it, it's not mine to make anymore.

Its taken my energy. The core of what I need  to take care of my own children, to teach children, to foster or adopt.  Its taken theses dreams I've had since a child, crumpled them like a peice of paper and thrown them in the fire.

Its taken my children's health and immune system and torn it apart worn it down.  Its caused my children to cry out in pain for months hiding itsf away so no doctor could find.

There is nothing kind or possibly merciful about this disease.  It does not care. But it knows what will  hurt you most and rips it away.

I'm still lost

Where's my knight in shinning armor riding a white horse? Why don't I hear the quick gallop of the horse making its way around trees, jumping creeks and bushes?  I long for that knight to find me and take me quickly from here. Lift me easily onto his horse and command his horse into a full out run.  I long to be taken from this place that's dark, dreary and smells musty.  But he's not coming, and I know this, so I continue on in my journey looking for a way out, and always keeping one ear open for him to rescue me so this can all be over.

In a flash, a snap of a finger, as quick as I can count to three, I want this to be over.  I want to take care of my own house, my own children, I want to engage in life and not forget what happened that morning. I want getting out of bed and making breakfast for my children to be easy again.  I want to enjoy my children without feeling they are going to send me into a panic because of pain, noise, or too much movement.

I'm still here in the woods lost and trying to find the best way out.  I hear the words that mean well that are often empty to me.  I hear silence too-nothing, no words being said at all, those hurt. I also hear the whispers of those who understand and walk beside me in spirit, taking part in their own journey.

This journey is slow, I was told it would be, but I still new that I would beat those silly odds. But I'm still lost, walking in circles, barely making it through each sunset waiting for the sunrise.  Trying to not lose myself on this journey, but I'm pretty sure I already have.

You wonder what's the point? So do I, very often I do.  Today is one of those days that I wonder.

In these woods I hear them calling out to me, "you'll get there". "Don't give up". "You'll make it through".   You're so close".  "It won't be too long now". Those voices are loud.  They are voices that mean well.  They are words I need to hear.

But through the loud voices I'm trying to hear the quieter ones. "I'm lost too". " not sure I can make it either".  " we can walk together if you'd like, we don't even
have to talk". " we will try to find our way together".  I want to give up too". "Just sit here with me we will just rest a while in silence".

Today I'm tired. Today is one of the days where I feel I will never find my way out never be a part of the real world. Today is a day that I feel I will always be walking the edge of the woods, unable to step out, although I long to.

Maybe I never will.