I'm still lost

Where's my knight in shinning armor riding a white horse? Why don't I hear the quick gallop of the horse making its way around trees, jumping creeks and bushes?  I long for that knight to find me and take me quickly from here. Lift me easily onto his horse and command his horse into a full out run.  I long to be taken from this place that's dark, dreary and smells musty.  But he's not coming, and I know this, so I continue on in my journey looking for a way out, and always keeping one ear open for him to rescue me so this can all be over.

In a flash, a snap of a finger, as quick as I can count to three, I want this to be over.  I want to take care of my own house, my own children, I want to engage in life and not forget what happened that morning. I want getting out of bed and making breakfast for my children to be easy again.  I want to enjoy my children without feeling they are going to send me into a panic because of pain, noise, or too much movement.

I'm still here in the woods lost and trying to find the best way out.  I hear the words that mean well that are often empty to me.  I hear silence too-nothing, no words being said at all, those hurt. I also hear the whispers of those who understand and walk beside me in spirit, taking part in their own journey.

This journey is slow, I was told it would be, but I still new that I would beat those silly odds. But I'm still lost, walking in circles, barely making it through each sunset waiting for the sunrise.  Trying to not lose myself on this journey, but I'm pretty sure I already have.

You wonder what's the point? So do I, very often I do.  Today is one of those days that I wonder.

In these woods I hear them calling out to me, "you'll get there". "Don't give up". "You'll make it through".   You're so close".  "It won't be too long now". Those voices are loud.  They are voices that mean well.  They are words I need to hear.

But through the loud voices I'm trying to hear the quieter ones. "I'm lost too". " not sure I can make it either".  " we can walk together if you'd like, we don't even
have to talk". " we will try to find our way together".  I want to give up too". "Just sit here with me we will just rest a while in silence".

Today I'm tired. Today is one of the days where I feel I will never find my way out never be a part of the real world. Today is a day that I feel I will always be walking the edge of the woods, unable to step out, although I long to.

Maybe I never will.